by The Bathtub Project
Date of Interview: November 3, 2016
Locations: Washington, DC
What are you passionate about?
I’m passionate about music. And the way that music… Just what it evokes in people and how people come together around music. How music is a language that feels simpler to me than words. I’ve been getting into my own musical self a lot lately. I play piano and I sing and I’ve been writing songs and playing with some other musicians lately which has been so, so good.
What do you write about?
All about my ex girlfriend. Literally every song is about my ex girlfriend, like, my recent ex girlfriend ::laughs::. It’s sad, you know? Not bad, just, making sense of it. I feel like some of the ways I’ve been able to write things have actually brought a lot of closure around things that I’ve been feeling that I didn’t know how to articulate. When I sang these songs for my friend who I know really well for the first time, she said to me “Oh my god, I get your relationship so much more now. I didn’t really understand before.”
What do you think of relationships? Platonic, sexual and otherwise.
Oh man. I feel like we just got to the core of it. That’s all I think about – I think. Is relationships. Human connection is so high on my list of experiences that I want to have. I value it so highly that I find myself in relationships a lot. And I just love… That common reality, that co-created reality. It’s so special. The bad is that I think that we can use relationships in all sorts of ways. That the connection, and deep fulfillment that comes with that connection and that affirmation of your life, of somebody else affirming your life… While that is so beautiful, and this is so cliché, but you really need to find that yourself to be able to get the extra from someone else. One of my yoga teachers said “when there’s no space, more is not more”. I love that so much and I think about that a lot. So yeah, more is not more, it can actually stress you out. So I’m in a very single place right now. I think platonic and familial relationships are amazing. Big fan ::laughs::. WAY less stressful but kind of stressful sometimes, you know? I’m super close with my parents and I’m an only child. Even though those relationships are so complicated, at their core they’re very simple.
What do you think of spiritual relationships?
Yeah, I’m good with them. I’m a pretty spiritual person, I’m not a religious person. I’m a yogi and I’ve been on that path of studying the things that you study when you’re in yoga training. And before that too, I think a lot of my personal healing journey and evolution has been through studying yoga stuff. I’m connected to my spirituality and this… I don’t even know how to define it… Trying to stay connected to the goodness.
What are you afraid of for the world?
That the illusion of separateness will become so strong that we won’t be able to, or be too fearful to, come together.
What is something you still struggle with?
Relationships ::laughs::. I think it’s kind of a theme for me at the moment, in this particular place I’m at in my life. When I moved to DC I came out. I was in a sorority in college and it was something that I really attached to my identity. Like the, party going, femme, badass bitch ::laughs::. But totally unhappy. So when I moved to DC I was at a party at The Jam Jar and kissed my first girlfriend and have pretty much been in relationships ever since with women or non gender conforming people. I’ve kissed one dude since then. But I felt like it was this homecoming to something that I wanted for so long. This bevy of feelings I had never been able to access because I wasn’t letting that part of myself get what it wanted. So I have sought that out over and over again and the relationships have ended. I think I still have this soul searching, don’t have my shit together yet thing in me. Just wanting to dive deep into everything, so I have. But now I’m in this space of comfort with my sexuality and how I’m doing my romantic life. There’s no need to have somebody fill a spot. I think I’m most afraid that I’m too judgmental to love people ::laughs::. I think part of it is judgment and part of it is sensitivity, I think the two go hand in hand. But I find myself so affected and so at the mercy of the ebb and flow of the relationship and not being able to kind of… Feel sturdy on my own. My mental health is so much better when I’m not in relationships which is why I keep ending them but then I keep seeking them out because they’re so beautiful.