by The Bathtub Project


Date of Interview: January 9th, 2018

Name: Beef

Age: 30

Pronouns: She/Her


If you were an underwater creature, what would you be?

Oh, God. I’d be the kraken [laughter]. Yeah, I’d be a famous squid octopus thing. Famous as shit. It’s the bigness, just the bigness. The big mythical-ness of that motherfucker [laughter].

How often do you bathe or shower?

Well, in the cold season it’s every other day but in the summer it’s twice a day because I bike and I’m fucking gross. I know. Because I have two pairs of pants so I’m wearing those a week at a time. You have to bathe a lot when you’re biking. It’s amazing I have a girlfriend.

What are you passionate about?

Nothing since the depression. Jesus Christ. Seriously, it’s a struggle. Going to work. I’m passionate about going to work and keeping my job [laughter], making money, yeah. But I mean, honestly, one of the things that– one of the only things that I give a shit about when I’m super depressed like this is using what little people skills I have to make a bunch of money and put it in some sort of cause. I bought one of my ex’s social worker Christmas list for the kids in her families and stuff and bought them presents, and I donated a bunch to Puerto Rico and stuff. Blah blah blah so.

What makes you want to give back?

I think just because I feel so shitty, and I’ve been in so many different positions in my life that I’ve had it really fucking terribly and I know that people can always and do always have it way, way, way, way, way worse. So not only does it put things into perspective but it gives me something to focus on and it’s doing better for folks that– their good day is my worst day, you know what I mean?

What do you struggle with?

The depression and anxiety. It’s crippling. I was just at a doctor’s appointment this morning for it. Got my meds. It’s been a thing my entire life but I’ve also had a whole bunch of really crazy shit happen. My half-brother’s mother was murdered when I was in the fourth grade. My brother drowned in a golf cart. I know that sounds crazy, I know it’s probably weird that I’m laughing but this is insane. My great-grandmother was 100 years old, in better health than I am, and then she fell down the stairs. My dad died in Costa Rica, just crazy shit nonstop so it’s just something I’m going to have probably forever and ever and ever.

What do you think is a good coping skill that you use?

I notice I pick up a lot of shifts when I’m really depressed because I just want to work. And, again, I’m a bartender by day so I get to focus on other people and their bullshit, and if I’m really feeling low I’ll collect their tip money because I work in a park and everyone’s wealthy, and I can give it to people that need it way more so that’s dope.

What is something you feel accomplished with?

God, I don’t know. I really like conning– not conning necessarily, but convincing people to give up their money, and fortunately I use my powers for good, donating these charities, but I own a traveling art gallery, too. I don’t do anything with it hardly anymore but I used to sell the dumbest shit. So, yeah, I realized how good I was at that. I’m like, “Oh, I’m going to get money for people that are in shittier situations than me,” and, yeah, I feel accomplished with that.

What are your thoughts on relationships? Platonic, sexual, and otherwise.

Oh, God. They’re so complicated [laughter]. Jesus. I mean, I don’t know. My concept of relationships is so weird because most of my family is dead, I don’t have at all strong or even remotely conventional relationships with the ones that are alive, so that affects every part of my life. I’ll find myself searching for the wrong things in romantic relationships. It’s really weird. And I’ve also found that I like doing things like living alone and stuff like that because of it because I never had much family whatever life, home life. So I don’t know. I mean, they’re good. I’m not going to say they’re necessary because I’ve lived pretty isolated before. I mean, aside from social media, I would go months and months at a time without being on that at all, just traveling the country in my pick up truck, not living anywhere, not having a job, living off mountains and stuff, eating road kill, no joke, no joke. I’m sure you’ve seen the pelts and bones everywhere. That’s legit, that’s not some shit I got on Etsy [laughter]. Yeah. What was the question? Sorry. I haven’t had my coffee yet today.

Thoughts on relationships?

Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, like I said, they’re complex just like my train of thought. I don’t know, they’re great when used well. They can be really harmful. Keeping ahold of some of my familial relationships was a huge detriment to my life and so it was good to drop them but having friends and stuff has helped me but I’ve also had friends that have made themselves seem there and ended up being absolutely terrible for me so it can go either way. It’s just all how you handle it and it’s about being able to cut people off, too. As long as you have the power to do that, relationships aren’t so bad.

What is something that you are looking forward to this year?

I’m just like, “The sweet release of death [laughter].” Sorry. I do low key work in the funeral home industry on and off and stuff like that, I’ve done autopsies and shit in coroners offices and shit so I’m dark and depressed. I don’t know. Surviving into the year.